How To Shift Out Of The Pain Comparing Yourself To Other Men

Why do men suffer so much from comparing themselves to other(s) men…?

The male brain is programmed to protect and defend. The male brain has more prominent centers for action and aggression. And so, the one-upping others start early as boys fight to secure themselves on the pecking order and social hierarchy ladder.

Now, add to the pecking order biology to the messages most boys are bombarded with growing up: win, you must be the winner or else suffer..

The social message says if I win, he loses. If he wins, I’m a loser. The stronger (or more talented) wins.

And when we win, we feel that we have succeeded. When we lose, we feel less than, unvalued, or incompetent.

So the effed-up thing is that when we feel like we are losing, we often want to “bring the other person down.” If we can tear them down in our minds or by bad-talking them, we can release our pain. Nothing good comes from trying to tear someone down to feel make ourselves feel better.

That envy, jealousy, and inner turmoil born of self-judgment eat away at us. It is a self-made hellish prison.

Let me be clear: engaging in a challenge with a competitive mind is a healthy and essential driver for men. The mission-driven, mono-focused masculine mind can thrive when we are in conscious comparison: it can be a great activator and spark courage.

But things get screwed up when we get caught in a cycle of neurotic comparison-mind, coupled with negative self-judgment.

Comparing what we have vs. what they have, what he has accomplished vs. how little I have accomplished, etc…

So how do we shift from the competitive mind that causes us suffering?

Here’s the shift…The more you generate positive thoughts around the comparison, the better you feel internally, and the more you successfully manifest from that positive mindset.

I once received a teaching into the practice of “Voting for others’ victory.” Although a bit corny, the moment I heard that, something in me shifted into this feeling.

When you spiral into comparison mode with another man, don’t wish bad upon them out of envy and jealousy; instead, wish them more consciousness. Vote for their victory. How amazing!

It reminds me of another practice from the Buddhist tradition called Metta, or loving-kindness meditation. 

In it, we cultivate kindness for all beings, and we send wishes of love, healing, compassion, appreciation, and upliftment to our loved ones, acquaintances, ourselves, and also to the troublemakers (or enemies) in our life.

If you are in a space where you feel defeated or are comparing yourself to another success, marriage, money, career, health, or wealth, take a moment and feel what happens when you instead vote for their success.

Recognize any self-deprecating inner voice of negative self-judgment and immediately shift into sending the other a “wish for victory.”

This generosity of heart can shift your mindset; the conscious act of uplifting others can immediately shift you out of self-judgment, it has the potential to totally change your comparison perspective.

We all are in relationships with so many brilliant and accomplished people; we must recognize that the conditioned part of ourselves can easily slip into the vortex of comparison, which leads to negative self-judgment and, ultimately, unhealthy projection.

When you get triggered into your comparison mind, enter into the practice of celebrating their success. That cultivation of celebration and appreciation can become your new ally.

Again your daily practice is to notice when you are in a fear-based comparison mindset and immediately internally (or externally) recite, “I vote for your victory.” I wish you even more joy, and I wish you even more consciousness. 

Please share your thoughts on the challenges you have experienced with living in a comparison mind..!

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1 year ago

Love this,. Gotta break the comparison habit.

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