Brothers, we’ve all been there. You’re turned on, your desire is alive, and then—just like that—you’re met with a polite but firm, “No thanks,” or worse, a look that says, “Don’t even think about it.” It’s not just frustration; it’s like someone sucking the oxygen out of the fire in your heart.
Desire can either connect you to your vitality or disconnect you from it. I’ve seen this in my life and in the men I work with daily.
Desire, especially sexual desire, can be a force of aliveness and intimacy, but if you’re not careful, it slips into its shadow form, leaving you with shame, isolation, and that gnawing sense of something missing.
In some traditions, desire is described as insatiable—like weeds that keep popping up. It can fuel addiction and create cycles where nothing is ever enough.
But desire also carries intelligence. It’s not something to be feared or repressed. Like a plant needs water, desire points us toward what is essential for our growth and actualization.
Looking back, I remember how strong my desires were—sometimes overwhelming. I didn’t know how to be with them, communicate with them, or channel them, so I hid them, which only created shame and suffering.
We’ve been conditioned to either repress our desires or reduce them to physical urges, leading to suffering in ourselves and our relationships.
Here are three common mistakes men make around desire—and how to shift them:
1. Believing Desire Is Something to Be Ashamed Of
Many men hide their desire, thinking it’s too much or needy. We suppress it, afraid of judgment or rejection. Over time, we disconnect from this vital part of ourselves.
Desire is not something to be ashamed of—it’s part of your vitality, your life force. Recognize desire as natural and learn how to communicate it with integrity.
2. Reducing Desire to Physical Satisfaction
In our culture, men’s desire is often reduced to seeking physical release. I’ve been there—thinking sex would satisfy me, only to realize I was craving something more profound.
Desire isn’t only about the orgasm. We miss its deeper layers when reduced to just a means to an end. Desire is a gateway to emotional and spiritual connection. It’s how we experience intimacy beyond the body, touching on our need to be seen and understood deeper.
When you’re present with your desire and communicate it honestly, it becomes a bridge to emotional and spiritual fulfillment, not just fleeting satisfaction.
3. Thinking Desire Is Selfish
Men often fear that expressing desire is selfish or makes them seem crude. This belief leads to suppressing desires, viewing them as taboo. But when shared with care, healthy desire is not selfish—it’s an invitation to intimacy and connection.
Suppressing your desires creates resentment, which drives a wedge in relationships. Vulnerably sharing what you want isn’t selfish—it invites your partner into a deeper level of connection and honesty.
Moving Forward
Your desire is not the enemy. It’s not something to hide or feel ashamed of, nor is it just about physical satisfaction. It’s how you express your masculine depth, vitality, love, and connection.
If you’re struggling with how your sexual desires are being honored—by yourself or by your partner—know that there is a way through this. It starts with shifting how you relate to your own desire. From there, it’s about learning to communicate your desires cleanly and from a place of power and choice—not insecurity, neediness, or sideways manipulation.
This is a crucial part of creating a thriving relationship, and it’s something I can help with. Let’s talk about how we can work through this together.
